We’ve been watching the tv show Homeland. I had never seen it so we just started season 1. One of the main characters is Brody. He’s a US Marine who was captured by Al-Qaeda and held prisoner for 8 years. Eventually he grew to love his captor, Abu Nasir.
Tim is in Philadelphia right now with his family. I’m home in Nashville after bailing on the trip because I’m not feeling well. I’m sitting on the couch right now at the time we would normally be watching homeland, but because Tim isn’t here I’m sitting with my dog, Alice. Just sipping tea and wishing I had gone to Philly to hang with his sister and parents.
The truth is, I probably could have gone. I was definitely sick, no question about it. But because I was sick for 5 days straight, my diet and exercise routine was thrown off. This gave me more anxiety than I want to admit. All of a sudden I was face to face with my demons that I have been trying so hard to fight off. They’re telling me..
“You can’t let his family see you like this”
“He won’t love you if you keep looking like this”
“How do you actually tell people that you work in the health and fitness industry?”
So here I am. By myself in Nashville. As I’m sitting here, trying to be brutally honest with myself about how I’m feeling and acting, I thought of Brody. I think having an eating disorder can feel a bit like Stockholm Syndrome. Like I have fallen in love with this terrorist who captured me years ago. It demands all of my attention and I give it. Everything it tells me becomes my new truth. The need to please it outweighs all common sense.
I have always loved the saying, “Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.” I think having this reckoning with myself was a necessary hurdle. I have been confident in my recovery for some time now, but this weekend made it clear that I can’t let my guard down. I need to stay vigilant in my recovery. I need to be aware of self isolation. I need to be honest with myself and those closest to me. I need to continue to share my story and invite others to share theirs. We can’t forget how bad it can get.
If you’re struggling, or feeling lonely, or anxious, or unworthy, or any other lie that your mind is feeding you, I am here for you. I will listen to you. I will love you. Please reach out.
Love and Light,